Having had several trips in the last two months back and forth from Venice, I have many an aeroplane related anecdote to share, horrific and hilarious. Today I experienced one of the most memorable of my life so I thought I would share my most favourite flight memories from the last few months.
Flight 1: For five journeys, I have taken my very expensive Clinique face wash in my hand luggage with no problems; it always seemed to be classed outside the liquids limitation. Yet when my suitcase went through the scanner, two jobsworths exchanged triumphant looks. I got the impression that both were a couple of scotch eggs short of a picnic. One was dangerously cross-eyed. The other had orthopaedic shoes. My bag was searched and my brand new unopened Clinique face wash was removed. As I vehemently protested, Jobsworth No. 1 peered at me (and simultaneously peered in the opposite direction) and whined nasally, "No need to get hormonal with me. Those are the rules." I am ashamed to say that I responded rather unreasonably with, "You fucking retarded prick!" It just slipped out....
Flight 2: We were on the runway, at top speed, just before take off, and the air hostesses were full swing into their safety demonstration. As they were indicating where the exits were, the pilot unexpectedly performed a powerful emergency brake. Every passenger went at high-speed head first into the seat in front of them while most of the air hostesses managed to grab hold of a seat. Apart from one. She went flying down the aisle landing on her arse in a spectacular heap. I did try to contain my laughter but it was difficult. I don't think I have ever laughed as hard yet silently in my life. The airhostess seemed to be quite befuddled by this experience as later on, having been asked what flavour sandwiches were on offer, she replied, "We have ham and cheese. Or cheese and ham." This was met with confused silence.
Flight 3: On my first flight to Venice our pilot, Shane carelessly mentioned that we couldn't fly yet because between him, the second pilot and the co-pilot they "couldn't seem to get the numbers right" and "were having a spot of bother with the buttons and things." Those are direct quotes. You could see a whole plane full of people turning around to stare in horror at each other. What does he mean he can't get the numbers right?? Surely he knows what those buttons are for?! Is this really a qualified pilot?!?!?! Once we had finally got into the air, Shane didn't manage to shake the impression of incompetency due to his inability to fly the plane smoothly. Up and down, wings shuddering, rocking side to side for the entire flight, all passengers turning green.
Flight 4: The queue was packed full of families with young children so I was already dreading the flight. I was forced to take a seat in front of a couple with three small children. One of their children sitting behind me played hop scotch with the back of my seat. Another screamed continually until she was purple in the face. Another smelt as if she had chronic diarrhoea. I only avoided vomiting by covering my head with my blazer. After 10 minutes, I started to feel claustrophobic so removed said blazer. To my horror, I found the baby's reeking diarrhoea filled nappy filling my vision as her father started bouncing her squishy arse on my head. This coupled with the screaming and the kicking completely tipped me over the edge. I grabbed all my stuff and ran shuddering and gagging to the opposite end of the plane.
On a different note, the following link is an absolute gem. The funniest complaint about flying in the whole world.
On a different note, the following link is an absolute gem. The funniest complaint about flying in the whole world.
Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard. Jesus Christ.
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