I ♥ Summer

This t-shirt represents everything that I ♥ love ♥ about summer and everything that I'm very much looking forward to doing this summer.
Apart from short shorts and hot pants. I just don't have the legs.

Summer List Boyfriend Tee by Illustrated People

Some Venetian Graffitti.

This is a fifteenth century carving of a man in a turban running through the streets holding a heart. It has a BRILLIANT story attached to it. I will recount.

"A Venetian lady had a baby by a Turkish Jew. The baby boy grew up with his father and dressed in Turkish fashion but often visited his adoring mother. Being half Venetian and half Jewish, the boy was an outcast from both communities and so struggled to find an identity. This caused him to develop a seriously violent temper and he regularly beat his mother, who always forgave him out of endless maternal love.
One evening, in a surge of rage, he completely lost control of himself and stabbed his mother repeatedly before tearing her heart from her chest. On realising what he had done, he was stricken with horror and ran off through the streets still clasping the bleeding heart in his fist. He reached the bridge next to the hospital, tripped on the first step and the heart flew out of his hands. Legend has it that the heart uttered the words, "Have you hurt yourself, my son?" [WHAT??!!!!] The son then ran off, threw himself in the lagoon and drowned.
The whole scene unfolded in front of an old stone cutter and it made such an awful impression on him that he scratched the image of the young Turkish man holding his mother's heart on the nearest wall."


Bloody marvellous.

Beach Times!

Venice is sublimely hot and sunny at the moment so the Gugg Girls and I took maximum advantage and went to the beach on the lovely island of Sant'Erasmo. Only after they locked themselves and their bags out of their flat of course...
The island looks like it belongs in the south of France or Tuscany, lots of vineyards and flower meadows and vespas. Whilst sunbathing, we were treated to a little song and dance recital by an Italian stallion in tight red speedos. He was clearly unaware that his boat was in full view of everyone on the beach as he unashamedly cracked out a dance routine that would have put the Spice Girls to shame. If only I hadn't been laughing so much, I would have recorded it.

Whistful Flora

Summery Madeleine

A Che Guevara tattoo AND a Chairman Mao tattoo? I think someone may be a little bit Communist...
The best bit about this photo is Madeleine in the background

Come fly with me? Best not.

Having had several trips in the last two months back and forth from Venice, I have many an aeroplane related anecdote to share, horrific and hilarious. Today I experienced one of the most memorable of my life so I thought I would share my most favourite flight memories from the last few months.

Flight 1: For five journeys, I have taken my very expensive Clinique face wash in my hand luggage with no problems; it always seemed to be classed outside the liquids limitation. Yet when my suitcase went through the scanner, two jobsworths exchanged triumphant looks. I got the impression that both were a couple of scotch eggs short of a picnic. One was dangerously cross-eyed. The other had orthopaedic shoes. My bag was searched and my brand new unopened Clinique face wash was removed. As I vehemently protested, Jobsworth No. 1 peered at me (and simultaneously peered in the opposite direction) and whined nasally, "No need to get hormonal with me. Those are the rules." I am ashamed to say that I responded rather unreasonably with, "You fucking retarded prick!" It just slipped out....

Flight 2:  We were on the runway, at top speed, just before take off, and the air hostesses were full swing into their safety demonstration. As they were indicating where the exits were, the pilot unexpectedly performed a powerful emergency brake. Every passenger went at high-speed head first into the seat in front of them while most of the air hostesses managed to grab hold of a seat. Apart from one. She went flying down the aisle landing on her arse in a spectacular heap. I did try to contain my laughter but it was difficult. I don't think I have ever laughed as hard yet silently in my life. The airhostess seemed to be quite befuddled by this experience as later on, having been asked what flavour sandwiches were on offer, she replied, "We have ham and cheese. Or cheese and ham." This was met with confused silence.

Flight 3: On my first flight to Venice our pilot, Shane carelessly mentioned that we couldn't fly yet because between him, the second pilot and the co-pilot they "couldn't seem to get the numbers right" and "were having a spot of bother with the buttons and things." Those are direct quotes. You could see a whole plane full of people turning around to stare in horror at each other. What does he mean he can't get the numbers right?? Surely he knows what those buttons are for?! Is this really a qualified pilot?!?!?! Once we had finally got into the air, Shane didn't manage to shake the impression of incompetency due to his inability to fly the plane smoothly. Up and down, wings shuddering, rocking side to side for the entire flight, all passengers turning green.

Flight 4: The queue was packed full of families with young children so I was already dreading the flight. I was forced to take a seat in front of a couple with three small children. One of their children sitting behind me played hop scotch with the back of my seat. Another screamed continually until she was purple in the face. Another smelt as if she had chronic diarrhoea. I only avoided vomiting by covering my head with my blazer. After 10 minutes, I started to feel claustrophobic so removed said blazer. To my horror, I found the baby's reeking diarrhoea filled nappy filling my vision as her father started bouncing her squishy arse on my head. This coupled with the screaming and the kicking completely tipped me over the edge. I grabbed all my stuff and ran shuddering and gagging to the opposite end of the plane.

On a different note, the following link is an absolute gem. The funniest complaint about flying in the whole world.

http://up.edesignuk.com/files/1/Documents/Acrobat/virginaircomplaint.pdf 

Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard. Jesus Christ.

A Very Happy Song

I am officially and irreversibly in love with Crystal Fighters ♥ 
I definitely would say without doubt that their album will be the soundtrack to my entire summer. I am very much looking forward to seeing them at Glastonbury - Chaberfield and Bolton, I am not taking no for an answer. This song never fails to put a smile on my face. Enjoy!

Tit Street, Tit Bridge

So I came across this street and bridge on one of my usual jaunts around Venice. Having learnt all the important Italian words and therefore knowing what it translates to, I thought I'd wikipedia it. Turns out that prostitutes used to hang their jubblies over the bridge to entice customers and, apparently, the state thought it might 'cure' homosexuality........Ah Venice.

[edit]
It turns out my first Tit Bridge find was a bridge of tits but not actually the real Tit Bridge where the prostitutes paddled their hardware and tried to convert those in the closet....But THIS is the real Tit Bridge! And not just one tit but lots of tits. A Bridge of Breasts.

This sign is next to the Bridge of Breasts. Apparently, a palazzo owned by the government called Ca' Rampani housed all the ladies of the night. Only Venetians would have a giant whore house run by the state.

So after a while the prozzies were known as carampane after the palazzo. A few centuries later, young prozzies were allowed out in the streets to get some action. But all the old, rancid, riddled prozzies were locked in the state whore house because the very sight of them in public was offending the residents of Venice. Mega lolz.

A lot of fun was had coming up with puns whilst on the bridge. The only one I can remember was very obvious and childish. I wonder how often clients came onto the bridge, as it were. Hehehe.

A Saunter

This wasn't so much a saunter as a solitary odyssey. Lovely colourful photos. Yey.

 

Ca' D'Oro: I love goooooooold

Yet another place where you aren't allowed to take photos and where I have shamelessly flouted the rules. This is a habit that I must break. Only once I've taken photos of everything in Venice.

Facade of Ca D'Oro

Possibly the ugliest artistic representation of baby Jesus I've ever seen

San Zanipolo

Venetians, as a race, are inherently lazy. This is mostly demonstrated in their speaking and writing, especially with place names. For example, San Zanipolo started off life as Campo di Santi Giovanni e Paolo. They call this 'Venetian Dialect'. Whatever trevor.
Nevertheless, one of the most serenly and discreetly beautiful churches I've ever seen in my life.

This happens to be the Venetian hospital. Typical ostentatious Venetians.

È GRATIS (stupida ragazza inglese)

So after 10 minutes of looking quite baffled and English, I finally understood that La Galleria Dell'Accademia and Palazzo Grimani were both free entry. A cultural week or something. And you were allowed to take photos, out in the open, without condemnation. Bonus.

I have taken a lot of photos.

Accademia

 Palazzo Grimani